How to be a great “Swingman”

Everyone has heard about being a good “Wingman.” The Slang definition is usually someone who helps, protects, or guides a friend or associate. Usually, a man helps a friend with romantic relationships, especially one who helps the friend attract a woman, but women have stepped up to the plate and have been great “wingmen,” too. The term started as a term for a pilot who flies behind and outside the leader of a flying formation but has been used as slang for years as a word that is complimentary to someone who helps someone get laid.

More than just being a matchmaker, a “Wingman” often talks someone up to a potential sexual partner, and they never put them down or list traits that might sabotage an erotic encounter. An effective wingman puts their friend before themselves because that is what being a friend is all about.

What does it take to be a great “Swingman”

Maybe you are a Hotwife couple or have a Stag/Vixen relationship, and the husband gets off seeing his wife with other men. This is the best opportunity for him to be the wife’s “Swingman.” In Swinging, you can be a good “Swingman” if you are willing to help your partner get lucky at an event, on a cruise, or even when you are just out for dinner and drinks. Here are a couple of pieces of advice on how to be a great “Swingman” in your relationship:

Know your boundaries ahead of time

Before heading out, talk to each other to make sure you both understand what you are looking for. The worst thing you can do is surprise your partner with someone when they are not in the mood and not interested in a “hook-up” that particular night. Make sure they are interested in a night of “being out on a hunt” for someone else before bringing over a stranger who is ready to go and your partner has other ideas.

Talk about where you would go in case you do find someone and what they are looking for, and both agree to basic boundaries BEFORE you start trying to find someone that night.

Don’t be too anxious or aggressive

There is success in subtlety. When talking about your partner to strangers (or even friends), don’t be in a rush. Don’t push too hard because people will feel that energy and want to find an exit. Not everyone is into what you are looking for, and by pushing harder, you will rarely find someone (or a couple) that will say “Yes!”.

Just go with the flow and find out what they are looking for, and then casually mention that your partner is looking for something similar.

Find out what they are looking for

Are they looking for a one-night stand? Are they in a relationship? Before talking up your partner and potentially wasting a lot of time, create a conversation with questions about them, and you will find out quickly if this is someone to pursue or not. People love talking about themselves, and they will feel more receptive to an introduction of your partner if they feel that they have been heard and that you are introducing them to someone who might fit what they are looking for.

Don’t oversell

Even if you are not overly aggressive, you can oversell your partner. If you do nothing but tell people that the person you are with is the best at everything, they will soon question whether it is true and might decide on a pass. People are not stupid; they will know that your partner might be arrogant or full of themselves. They also might feel that this is all a “plan,” which might turn them off. Try to be your real self while sharing their real strengths without overdoing it.

Play a part

Sometimes, it's fun if they do not know you are together. You can play a part, like you are in a theater play, and your partner is just a friend. You can talk them up without them knowing that you are together. This can be exciting for a one-night stand, but it often falls apart if you are looking for a long-term play partner. The other person can often feel like they were lied to or deceived once they find out you are a couple.

Don’t Be Shy

It’s hard for people to make the first move, but as a “Swingman,” you are making it for them. And since you may not worry if you hook up, it is often easier for the “Swingman” to initiate contact with someone in the room (or at a club or an event). You could start by asking them about themselves and getting them comfortable. Then, talk up to your partner and tell them how amazing they are. “Oh, yeah,” they may reply, and then you can say something like, “Do you want to find out?”.

Many “Swingmen” find it easier to brag about other people, especially their partners, than they do themselves. People are also afraid of rejection, but if you approach them to see if they are interested in your partner, the fear of rejection for themselves is removed.

If you are trying to see if a couple is interested, make sure you are talking yourself up, too. In the swinging lifestyle, it takes two (or more) to tangle, so talk up your partner, but don’t be shy about yourself.

Check-in with each other from time to time

If you are not finding any people or couples that you are interested in, or the ones you are finding have other plans, make sure you check in with each other to see if you want to continue the chase. Sometimes, the “Fantasy” can be all you need, and you may end up going home together without anyone, and that is OK.

Look for their friends

One of the best ways to find a person or another couple is to break into their circle of friends. This is especially true at clubs and events. Most people and couples hang out with their friends, and they will not be separated from “the herd.” If you make friends with their friends, you will be seen as one of them, not as an outsider.

Know when to say when

There are two sides to this coin. If you have been talking to someone for a while and it isn’t going anywhere, cut your losses, politely say good night, and head out to try to find someone else. Nothing is worse than putting in a lot of time when it will never happen. Look for clues and body language; know when to cut it off and expand your search.

On the other side of the coin, when things are going well, know when to ask to head someplace else. We have seen people have a great connection, and they end up talking all night but never progressing to the next level. Either one person ends up drinking too much, which ruins the evening, or they talk and talk until one of them has to get home because it is too late to do anything else. Find out early if they have a time limit due to a babysitter or another deadline you must know.

At the end of the day, you need to be selfless if you are willing to be a “Swingman” for your partner and you are willing to put them first. You can have amazing adventures together, looking for singles AND couples while out together. Just ensure you are both looking for the same thing and don’t put your expectations too high because, at the end of the night, even if you strike out, you still have each other.