To Those Who Don't Feel Confident
Dear Amazing Person Reading This:
It’s Summer, Naughty N’awlins is coming up, vacations are happening, and people are out to enjoy the sun. Although it’s a beautiful season to relax, restore and bask in the sunlight, there’s something about Summer that can be very triggering. I know that many of us are struggling with self-love and confidence (I know I am). You may feel like you’re not ready to show off your body in swimwear or sexy outfits, or you’re nervous about your partner’s wandering eyes with everyone dressing in the bare minimum, or perhaps you’re coming to Naughty N’awlins for the first time and you’re nervous about how that will go and what it will mean for your relationship. You may compare yourself to others and feel like you come up short. Or maybe you’re just in a little bit of a rut and not feeling like your normal hot self.
I want to tell you that you are not alone. And although many people struggle with low self-esteem, that doesn’t mitigate how you’re feeling about yourself. However, it is possible to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. Self-love takes practice, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s certainly not a switch that you can just turn on. It takes time, effort, patience, and the will to learn. Not every day is going to be your perfect, most loveable self day, and not every day will be a fit of insecurity. It’s a balance and all you have to do is observe your feelings and breathe.
Here are a few things you can do when you start to feel triggered that have helped me in my self-love practice:
STOP and Observe: You are freaking out right now mostly because of the thoughts in your head, NOT of what is actually happening. You might be triggered because someone said or did something that reminds you of a past painful situation—that means you’re operating from the past, or maybe you’re triggered because whatever is going on is making you feel like it will lead to something far worse—here, you are operating from the future. No matter which scenario, you aren’t HERE right now. Come back. Before you say, or do anything, just stop for a second, breathe, and look around you. Observe the immediate things around you, the environment, the colors that surround you, any noises happening, and any physical sensations you have. And just lock yourself into this moment. Because you can’t fix the past, and you can’t control the future. But you can control YOU. So before you do or say something that you might regret, STOP and ask yourself “How would the best version of myself handle this?” And then act as if you are that better version of yourself right now.
Have a list of things that make you awesome: Bust out that phone, go into your Notes app, and type up at least 10 things that make YOU awesome. Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that we aren’t able to immediately walk away from. So instead of being problematic, pouting, or causing a scene, take out your “Awesome Notes” and read them. It’s just a simple little reminder from yourself about the things that you like and appreciate about yourself, things that you’ve accomplished, or things that you love about YOU.
Check Your Expectations: NO ONE is perfect. No one is the perfect partner, friend, co-worker, or family member 100% of the time and it’s not fair to expect that level of perfection. When things don’t meet our expectations, we get disappointed, it hurts us on a deep level because for some reason, we felt that our high expectations were going to have some kind of control over the situation and when it didn’t go EXACTLY the way we expected it to, it feels like a personal attack because we thought we had control. Let go of the need to control everything around you. Make sure that if you are setting some time of expectation that you are being realistic and thoughtful towards the situation. Can the same be expected of you? Can you live up to that as well? This doesn’t mean letting go of your standards and boundaries, this just means, when things don’t work out the way you hoped they would, don’t take it personally, and don’t allow it to cause you to feel less. Assess it for what it is, and act from a higher level.
Choose Wisely: This might be the most important one. Choose your energies very wisely. The places you go, the people you hang out with, the communication you have with others, the time you spend, and the people you love or have sexual relations with. This is your responsibility. You know who is toxic for you and who isn’t. If you have friends that talk about you, make you feel insecure or pressured, or you find that you can’t be authentic around them, then they aren’t for you. Don’t hang out with them. If your partner is causing a lot of problems and making you feel terrible about yourself, it’s time to assess the situation and make some changes. If there’s a place that you go to where you always end up in a bad scenario, find somewhere else to go. While we can’t control other people and their actions, we certainly have control over ourselves and the energy we choose in our lives.
I know it can be easier said than done to be able to control your emotions when you are feeling triggered and insecure, but I believe in you. You are worthy of love, acceptance, and respect. You are beautiful, intelligent, and capable. If you are struggling with self-love and confidence, and it’s getting in the way of your day-to-day function, be sure to reach out to a trusted—because we choose our energies wisely remember?—friend or family member, or a therapist if needed.
