What does Consent look like? Stories and Examples

What are they and what to look for

It’s easy to post our consent policy and have people sign it when they come to an event. We can put up signs, send consent videos, and have classes on the subject, but does that mean that everyone is going to “get it”?

As I’ve said before, people are people and they tend to skip over policies and procedures, and we get more people reading blogs than forms and signs, so here is an article that will explain some real-world issues that we are looking to prevent in the future.

If you are planning on going to a Naughty Event, a dungeon, a lifestyle club, a resort, or a cruise, please take a minute to read these short stories and use them as a way to initiate the conversation of consent with your partner and those you encounter in the future.

Note: Most of these are based on true stories, but of course, no names are used (except mine)  and many of the details are edited to make the stories shorter and less recognizable. These did not all take place at a Naughty Event. Some were at clubs, some happened to me.

A Teaching Moment

This first story is about me (Bob) and is actually a true story I want to retell:

When I started teaching classes about non-monogamy 20 years ago, I had a decent amount of experience, and we were hosting house parties and hotel parties with playrooms. We always had new couples that were coming to their first experience and we gave a “Newbies” class to help people navigate their first experience.

Way back then, I used to tell people if they found themselves in a group situation, with people they didn’t know, that they should reach out and touch someone in a “non-sexual” area, like their ankle or wrist. I told them to watch their reaction and their body language to determine whether or not to proceed.

If the person pulled away, then stop advancing and leave them alone, if they touched you back, leaned into you, and reciprocated, then proceed.

That was then and this is now. I would never tell anyone to do this today based on several factors:

 1.     There are no “non-sexual” areas on our bodies. Your skin makes up your largest sexual organ and it is simply not acceptable today to touch anyone without consent.

2.     What if someone does nothing? What then? It’s impossible to read someone else’s mind. What if they are frozen in fear, what if they don’t know what to do? Do you really want to guess what they are thinking? What if what you end up doing causes them trauma, is that what you want?

3.     It is important to simply ask. The days of reaching out and touching someone are over. Do this and you will be asked to leave.

A kiss is not always just a kiss

We had two couples in a play area, each using adjoining beds. They watched each other and when they were both done, one couple opened the curtain and said how turned on they were by watching the other couple and asked if they could come over and introduce themselves. The other couple said sure and all four of them ended up in the same bed, naked talking about their close encounter.

After a little while, the experienced couple said they had to go and the guy shook the hand of the other couple. Then he leaned down and kissed the inexperienced woman on the top of her vagina. He didn’t penetrate her, open her up, lick her, suck on her, or anything like that. He just gave her a quick peck on her pubic bone and said goodbye and left.

The inexperienced woman was shocked and didn’t move. She felt violated and encountered a lot of trauma following this quick moment that the experienced guy thought was no big deal.

I followed up with the inexperienced couple and they were having issues weeks later. She felt that her husband had not protected her at this vulnerable moment and she was not able to have sex with her own husband for weeks following this encounter.

You see, it was a big deal. You never know what past traumas someone might have or what place they are coming from, but this was a clear case of a consent violation and you must always ask permission before touching or kissing a genital area. No exceptions!

When the question isn’t clear

I had a situation, with a new couple, at a club and we all ended up in the play area sharing one bed. We were just getting started and the new wife was undressed and so was I. The husband was still dressed and asked if I was OK with oral and thinking he was asking about his wife, I said “Sure”! That’s when he bent over to go down on me. I laughed and said, “Hold on a minute, I thought you were talking about your wife”.

He was embarrassed and it wasn’t long until they left. The point is that you have to be very specific when asking a question, many questions can be taken in different ways.

You need consent from your partner too

It isn’t just necessary to get consent from other people, you need to know what is OK, and what isn’t OK with your partner. If you are going to an event, make sure you talk about as many different opportunities and options as possible BEFORE heading into a play area with strangers.

We were at a house party once and apparently, a new couple had a “No Kissing rule”. Well, sure enough, they never said anything to the other couple they were playing with and as things went on, the other guy started kissing the new couple’s wife and the husband became unglued. He started yelling at his wife, got dressed quickly, and left the party leaving her behind. She ran after him (completely naked) which must have been an interesting sight for the neighbors.

When the guy started kissing the new wife, she froze, she didn’t know what to say, how to stop the other guy, and before she could really think things through, her husband had already flipped out.

Things happen and we can learn from this. We should always respect our partner’s guidelines more than anything else, but it is also each partner’s responsibility to articulate these guidelines to their potential partners to avoid a situation like this one.

Anal isn’t for amateurs

For a long time, my nickname was the “Assman”. We ran into a lot of couples looking to explore more and try anal sex, but they hadn’t had success on their own. For some reason, and this is for another story, I became known as a guy to help couples through this journey at the club we frequented in NYC.

In fact, I wanted to get an ASSMAN license plate like seen on an episode of Seinfeld. Tess didn’t think this was a good idea and she is almost always right on decisions like this.

Anyway, there was a couple at a party and one of the guys thought it would be a good idea to try anal with a new play partner without any prior discussion. I’ll just say that it didn’t end well for either party that night.

Thinks like anal sex, choking, fisting, and other extreme sexual experienced should never be attempted without a very sober discussion with all parties involved. These are not something that one can assume that another person is ready for without specific verbal consent (and lots of lube).

It sure is dark in here

One big issue lately has been our dark room. When I first came up with the idea of the dark room, it was because I had seen a “Dark Room” at an event, but it was really just a dimly lit room. Since Tess was a photography major, we knew about photography black-out curtains and we made a completely blacked-out dark room.

I was impressed that we got it so dark. In my mind, the anonymous opportunities seemed exciting to me. Taking away one sense (your eyes) would make other senses heighten (touch, taste, touch, hearing… OK, I’m not even going to mention smell).

What a cool idea.

After telling this story a few times, someone told me “No, that’s where we bisexuals go, so no one will judge us for male bisexuality in public” (something this community still struggles with acceptance).

This room means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but now, we are questioning whether to even have this room or not. I mean, without being able to see, you have to expect to bump into someone or have someone bump into you. But even though the light was taken away, consent is not.

The dark room is not a place where anyone can get away with consent violations, in fact, it is more important than ever to get consent when you are in the dark.

This year we had most of our consent issue reports come from people that were inside the dark room and we had to start reminding people entering this room that consent was still needed even when playing in the darkroom (especially in the darkroom!).

Condoning no condoms

I can remember back when people sometimes or rarely used condoms at clubs. That was a long time ago. The AIDS epidemic in the 80’s changed all that and is one of the only positive things that came out of that horrible virus.

I have heard more than one story about a couple explaining that condoms were required, only to have the male partner take off the condom on purpose during sex.

This is a huge no-no and a serious consent violation.

There are too many obvious reasons (STIs, pregnancy, etc…) why everyone should be using condoms today, and while no one should have to articulate the need for condoms, we encourage everyone to take the time to make this clear. 

Every. Single. Time.

And while purposefully taking a condom off is a serious violation of consent and will result in immediate expulsion, I have also seen people orgasm, while wearing a condom and then they stayed inside until they got soft and when they pulled out, the condom came off.

This has happened to me, by accident a couple of times, and I have learned to either pull out right before or right after having an orgasm so that there is no chance of this happening. I even instinctively reach down now and hold onto the condom when I pull out because I want to make sure there are no issues.

What if it is an accident but the other couple thinks you did it on purpose?

This is a case where things get difficult for an event producer. I have seen a situation before where one side is adamant that the guy did it on purpose and the accused was just as adamant that it was an accident and it slipped off.

How can we ever be sure? How can we pick a side? How can we now, with 100% certainty, what was the intent? We can’t read minds and this puts us in a tough situation. In this very situation, we have made different decisions based on whether or not we “felt” the person really had an accident or was intentional.

One of the decision-making guidelines I had for myself and for the event was to try to assess whether or not the person was a real danger and would do the same thing to others or if he really wasn’t a threat and they apologized and it truly felt like an accident.

Well, as we evolve, so do our policies.

From here on out, we will be having more of a no-tolerance rule at our events. After a lot of discussions and some soul searching, no matter how we “feel” and I’m a pretty good judge of character, in the end, it is best to side on the side of safety.

What does that mean?

It doesn’t always mean that we are going to kick out and ban someone for life. It could mean that they are not allowed onto the play floor for the rest of the week. It could mean that their participation that week might be over, but another chance, down the road, might be possible.

In most cases, however, it will result in the accused being asked to leave. We can’t have a zero-tolerance policy, because there are always two sides to every story, but we will strive to be as close to zero moving forward for the overall safety of everyone involved.

We are bringing up these different scenarios to give you a chance to see how many different violations of consent can take place, and how difficult it can be for an event planner like us, a club owner, or even a couple who has house parties or just invites a few friends over.

Most of the time, the issues are black and white. Most of the time, aggressive people are not likely to apologize or understand why we are asking them to leave. But sometimes, good people get asked to leave, because of something that could have been an accident, but surely brought trauma to someone else.

Whether an accident or not, the other person or couple can experience a lot of very strong emotions following a consent violation. What might seem small to you, might be HUGE to someone else. You don’t know their history and what they have been through.

Did you know that there are over 460.000 rape and sexual assault victims in the US every single year? That is an enormous, unacceptable number of people that are having to deal with trauma and past issues that should never have to go through an additional trauma because you couldn’t keep a condom on, because you went in the wrong hole because you didn’t take the time to talk to a potential partner and in the middle of kissing them, one of them goes ballistic.

This is why it is SOOOOOO important to have these conversations. This is why it is so important for us to review and evolve our prevention, education, and reporting policies and to be transparent about this subject.

We have worked hard, but we need to work harder. By being transparent, we hope other lifestyle leaders will listen and do more. We hope new ideas can be brought to us because we are listening.

We just finished a new policy when it comes to consent and reporting consent violations. While there is no way we can guarantee anyone’s safety, we can strive to create safer and safer spaces because even one consent violation is too much.