What the Lifestyle Can Teach Us About Love
People who aren’t in the lifestyle are often perplexed by “how it works” or if it “works.” In short, the answer is: Yes, it works if you work on it—just like any relationship. Just like a vanilla relationship, a successful relationship in the lifestyle requires patience, kindness, honesty, forgiveness, trust, hope, and anything else that any happy, healthy relationship would require. Sure, the sexual aspect might be a little different from a vanilla relationship, but in order for that to be a happy and pleasurable experience, the same lessons apply. Because at the end of the day, we are all people who want to love and be loved, who deserve respect, who deserve to feel appreciated and seen, and course, deserve to have a little fun.
Here are some lessons that we can take from the lifestyle to apply to any romantic relationship:
Communication is Key
We often forget just how important communication is! It’s not just about checking in or telling each other your whereabouts, or what you’re about to do, it’s about communicating with each other even about the things that aren’t so easy to talk about. In the lifestyle, we always encourage a good “check-in talk” before our events like Naughty N’awlins or any cruises or takeovers you may go to; this conversation is an opportunity to iron out any rules or boundaries, it gives you a chance to voice your opinion or hang-ups and even talk about your fantasies. This prevents misunderstandings AT the event when you should be enjoying yourself and having fun. Communication is key when it comes to being able to properly give and receive pleasure. When you have properly communicated where everyone is at in the situation, what’s acceptable and what is unacceptable, and how you want to approach this adventure, you are giving everyone in the situation permission to be themselves and enjoy the experience fully.
Don’t Rush Anything
In the lifestyle, it’s never a good sign when someone wants to rush into anything, whether it’s sex, communication, or time spent together. Being pushy, aggressive, and not taking “no” for an answer are HUGE no-no’s in our community. “If it’s not a ‘Hell Yes’ it’s a ‘Hell No,’” is our motto when we talk about how to approach people in the lifestyle. The same goes for any relationship—do not rush into anything. It’s not a race. Learn each other, find out what their interests are, what they like and don’t like, their goals, and their aspirations. The better you know someone, the better intimacy you can form with them and be able to enjoy their presence. When it comes to the lifestyle, not all connections are going to lead up to relationships, there are one-time situations and random hookups are welcome, but that’s not a requirement. You can’t come into a lifestyle experience with a goal in mind and if it’s not achieved, you’re upset and resentful. Take your time, if it’s meant to happen, it will. Apply the same to your love life.
Experience Things Together
It is often stagnancy that kills relationships. We get stuck in our routines, we don’t want to be the first to suggest something, and we revert to our own spaces and assume that our partners aren’t going to want to join us in any activities we want to do. In the lifestyle, it’s all about the experiences! Our events encourage you to travel, learn, try new things, meet new people, put yourselves out there, and experience fun together as a couple. It’s not so much about coming to our events so you and your partner can have sexual experiences with other people—that’s just a plus IF it happens. It’s more about having an experience together as a couple that will allow you to reignite your spark, add a sense of refreshment and open you up to new things. When you enjoy life experiences together, you’ll develop new memories and build an intimacy between you that can be taken away by anyone. Never stop experiencing, never stop having fun together.
Always Ask
Consent is our golden rule in the lifestyle. Ask before you touch anyone, ask before you touch their partner, ask if “this is ok,” ask if you can join, ask how they’re doing, ask if you can contact them, ask if you can dance with them, ask if they feel comfortable—always, always ASK FIRST. And while we may think this simply applies to only strangers and people we’re just meeting, it really wouldn’t hurt to apply the same rule to your relationship. Checking in with them to make sure they are feeling comfortable with what you’re doing shows consideration and makes your partner feels seen and appreciated.
Work on Your Shadows
We all have our hang-ups, issues, past traumas, and faults—every single one of us. Often in relationships, we face the troubles we do because we haven’t done the inner work to be able to handle the adversity we face. We allow our trust issues and past relationships to dictate our attitudes toward our current relationships, not realizing that we might very well be sabotaging our connection. Being in the Lifestyle can either make or break your relationship; it will test your trust, honesty, integrity, and commitment to each other. It can also teach you compersion, and how to navigate around feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, and the need for control, factors that reside in you even without the relationship. The Lifestyle isn’t supposed to save your relationship, it’s meant to enhance your connection, as well as form new ones and provide a safe space for you to be sexually free. What makes your relationship work is the work you do on yourself and the energy you emit out onto your partners.
