The Toxic Side of Self Love
“You just have to love yourself….”
“If you don’t love yourself, how can you love anyone else?”
“Learn to love yourself first.”
LOVE YOURSELF—a phrase we hear so much as the remedy to all our life’s problems. Self-love culture teaches us that without loving ourselves, we simply cannot move on to the next stage in our lives. That once we get to know ourselves, glow up, level up, and become completely engulfed in our own awesomeness, then everything that is wrong will melt away. We’ll finally have that unbreakable sense of confidence, be the most magnetic person in the room, love how we look, make lots of money, and live the life that we’ve always dreamed of. It all starts when you simply just, love yourself.
Really…?
I’ve been watching Euphoria lately and in a recent episode, a character named Kat is in the midst of her own “self-love dilemma.” She’s trying to figure out what she likes and doesn’t like about her current boyfriend, but realizes, maybe she just doesn’t like herself. In the scene, we see what she’s thinking in her head, which is a taunting ambush of cosmetically beautiful women, powerful femmes, and enthusiastic advocates all closing in on her, chanting and cheering “Love Yourself!” until she finally screams in horror (watch this scene in the video below).
And omg, this scene just did something for me! I have been on my own personal journey to loving myself, because although I’m here to tell you that part of it is a crock of you-know-what, ultimately, I do believe that we are worthy of loving ourselves. But what the heck does that even mean? HOW? What do I do? Is it really green smoothies, meditation, bike rides, and saying no to toxic people? Is that really all I have to do? What if I’m the toxic one? I just have to love myself through it? Does anyone have the directions?
I don’t think it’s healthy that there is this notion that without loving ourselves, we aren’t capable of receiving true love, that we can’t get to certain stages in our lives or overcome certain obstacles. There are days when I’m my biggest fan, and then there are other days when I wish I could be anyone else but me. Emotional issues much? You bet! But hey, at least I know that about myself.
And maybe that’s what self-love is? Accepting the great parts about yourself and nurturing them, AS WELL AS accepting the not-so-great parts and making the choice to work on them. Maybe loving yourself is that honest moment when you’re trying to assess the good and bad things outside of you and realizing “oh crap, I AM the problem.” And from there, having the dignity to change the things you don’t like. Spoiler alert: this is not a quick process, in fact, this whole self-love thing is a life-long commitment, just like being in a life-long commitment with a partner. There will be good days and bad days, high points and low points, and yes, sometimes you’ll want to give up, but you’re here ‘til death do you part’—except you can’t divorce yourself. You’re in it for the long run baby, your life partner is YOU.
We put a lot of weight on “finding out who we are” like it’s some kind of puzzle to be solved rather than creating the people we want to become. We want to slap a label on ourselves, fit into a specific niche, have a signature look/aesthetic, and be clearly defined and noticed for that. This puts a lot of pressure on us. And at the end of the day, we still choose things that don’t necessarily reflect self-love. But is it really because we hate ourselves, or are we just dealing with life the best way we can? We can’t cancel every single thing that doesn’t serve us or ‘bring us joy.’ Because if it’s our own choices and the consequences of them that are bogging us down, it’s up to us to fix those things. We can wear all the new outfits we want, cut our hair, try new things, and become these new, improved versions of ourselves from the surface, but the real work is within. If you’re feeling the self-love vibes—good! Pinpoint the things you do like about yourself, make your own pros & cons list, and then take it from there. A work in progress is better than any facade we can create.
We shouldn’t teach people that we have to love ourselves no matter what. If you don’t love yourself right now, why not? It’s perfectly acceptable that you don’t, as long as you are willing to work on the things you don’t love. Sometimes we have to make painful decisions that don’t spark joy, that don’t feel right at first, but we know in the end it will be right because it’s in our best interest. When you’re working on yourself, notice how you’re going about it. Are you doing things just to post about it so others can see you working on and loving yourself? Or are you really doing the dirty work and getting honest with yourself despite what anyone may think of it? Sometimes we aren’t perfect just the way we are, sometimes we need a little fire under our ass to wake us up and get us moving in the right direction. Sometimes, self-love is tough love.
