NEW RULES FOR BEING IN THE SWINGER LIFESTYLE
So you’re thinking about exploring an open relationship? Before you and your partner decide to delve into the world of what is traditionally called “swinging,” be sure that what you think you may know about this lifestyle isn’t outdated or misinformation. We’ve come a long way in the past few decades when it comes to our sexual freedom (although we still have a lot to learn and unlearn). We’re learning more about LGBTQ+ rights, trans rights, pronouns, body awareness, kink, and everything in between. We’re learning quickly that what was once acceptable in certain situations, is actually not acceptable at all. In this industry, the guidelines are always changing, new terms are developed, old verbiage dies, the community’s needs change, and new roles need to be recognized and included. One thing we love about the sex-positive community is that it is constantly challenging us to keep our eyes and minds open and to be willing to constantly be learning more in order to improve the customer experience.
If you are new to the lifestyle and you have questions, that’s a great thing! It’s likely that what you may think you know about the quintessential “swinger” is actually based on old stereotypes developed over 50 years ago or more. Misinformation like our events are just massive orgies, or there’s a 100% guarantee of having sex, or that all swingers want to have sex with everyone including YOU, couldn’t be farther from the truth and yet, when new people come into the lifestyle, they often come in with these notions. Therefore, it’s important that you are current in your knowledge of the sex-positive lifestyle and that you are entering it for the right reasons.
Here are a few new rules for those of you beginning an openly sexual relationship, or if you’re a veteran, here are some new rules to brush up on:
Always Ask for Consent
This is the GOLDEN RULE. As long as you know this, everything else will fall into place. You HAVE TO ask the person before you touch, play, or try anything physical with them in an openly playful situation, not their partner, not their friends, the person themselves needs to give you verbal consent before any Naughty action happens. It may seem unsexy in the heat of the moment, but actually, studies have shown that when you ask someone for consent to be intimate with them, you give them the opportunity to give you and themselves permission to receive pleasure, creating a better, more relaxed experience. Consent needs to be as clear as day. If it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a “hell no.” Silence, unclear answers, maybes, or anything that is not a definite yes, should be considered a clear no. Apply this rule to every lifestyle situation you go into, whether it’s a party, hotel takeover, a cruise, or lifestyle resort. Always ask for consent and require to be asked for your consent as well. It works both ways.
Be Sexually Educated
Sex education now, compared to what might have been provided to us in school, is completely different. Most of us learned about sex in a fear-based way that only focused on outcomes like STIs and unplanned pregnancies. Now as adults, we understand that there is so much more to sex than the unwanted consequences. Whether you’re coming into the lifestyle or not, it’s important that you educate yourself on the proper terms, verbiage, and definitions having to do with sex. There are specific names to things having to do with kink or BDSM, terms for various types of relationships, fetishes, sexual positions, and toys, and of course, it’s very helpful to educate yourself on diversity and inclusivity. Coming into the lifestyle with old thought patterns, outdated terminology and narrow-minded opinions won’t help you have the evolutionary, mind-opening experience that it can/should be. We work with some of the industry’s leading educators who teach everything from navigating your relationship in the lifestyle to bedroom techniques that will forever elevate your sexual satisfaction. Click here for a great place to start educating yourself, and click here for our Naughty glossary of terms.
Have Patience
First impressions are important but you can’t really judge something by your first experience with it. Usually the first time you come into a new group of people, or into a foreign place you’ve never been, it’s a lot to take in. You might find your first few experiences with the lifestyle a little overwhelming; you’re meeting new, very sexually open people, you may see things you’ve never seen before, you might have interactions and conversations you never thought you’d have. Witnessing someone flirt with your partner or vice versa could be new to you, playing in a playroom, being in a clothing-optional area, and just experiencing the radical freedom all around you can all be both exciting and a little nervewracking. You may find someone to play with at your first experience, or you might not talk to anyone at all and just focus on your partner, there’s never a guarantee on the outcome. So if you come into it with a lot of expectations and assumptions, you might be unpleasantly surprised. Just because this is a sex-positive community, does not mean that you are 100% going to be sexually active, it also doesn’t mean that it’s going to be the same type of experience as you’re used to when you go to a normal bar/club/event. Be patient if your first experience isn’t EXACTLY what you thought it would be. Try not to chalk it up to “the lifestyle is bad,” or “doesn’t work.” Take your time, focus on making good, healthy connections and stay open-minded.
Follow the Rules
We aim to always provide a safe place for you to express your sexual freedom, therefore we have specific rules in place to keep you safe and respect your privacy. You’ll find in a lot of lifestyle situations there are no phone or camera rules within certain areas, some events/clubs want you to be a member on a lifestyle site so you can be vetted prior to entry, many events and clubs have liability waivers for you to sign agreeing to their rules, some places have clothing-optional areas and areas where you need to be clothed, playrooms usually have their own set of rules as well (ours do). These aren’t the type of rules that are meant to be broken. If you break the rules of a sex-positive environment, you can really ruin it for everyone else, it’s deliberately disrespecting the community and no one finds that attractive.
Join a Community
Speaking of rules, we mentioned that some events/clubs will want you to have a membership on a lifestyle site in order to vet you prior to entry. This helps put names to faces, often on these sites you can see what other parties you’ve been to, the friends and groups you’ve joined, the comments people leave, and just verify that you are an actual person of the lifestyle. We recommend joining a few different communities like Naughty Members and Kasidie where you can connect with other people in the lifestyle, find out about upcoming events and parties, join niche groups, and post sexy pics that you’d never be able to post on mainstream social media. This is essential to find other people in the lifestyle. These sites are discreet, safe and are aimed to help you have a better experience and involve you in a really great community.
Participate
When you go to events and lifestyle clubs, get involved in the activities they have going on, join the meet & greets, dress up for the themes and get out on the dance floor. You’ll have a better chance of meeting new people when you put yourself out there. Again, just because you paid to be there does not guarantee anything. You have to put in the effort to be social and get to know the people around you.
Be Open
Your experience in the lifestyle can be very transformative if you allow it. You are going to learn so much about yourself, your partner, about sex, about people, and just life itself. This is called the “lifestyle” for a reason, because that its what it truly is. Sometimes it works out great for couples, and those couples have amazing experiences and make a lot of friends, travel, go to parties, and really thrive in this environment, for some, it’s not meant for them. But at least they tried it. And if it’s not for you that’s ok. At least you learned something about yourself and now you can move on with the notion that you tried something new. Just be open-minded about it all. Try not to judge others, accept those around you, only say yes when you truly mean it, and never be afraid to say no. Communicate with your partner about their feelings and needs, and just go with the flow. We already accept you just the way you are.
