Getting Help
This has been one hell of a year.
I mean come on, Katrina was a tough year, the year I both joined the military and got married was a tough year, the year I got sick and needed to take an emergency flight from Jamaica for emergency surgery back in Nola was a tough year, but nothing can touch this past year…
Not long before this “thing” (aka COVID) came along, I was already on a journey of self-discovery. I was trying new things (meditation, yoga, eating better, taking time for me, mindfulness, living in the now) in a new place (a remote part of Mexico) and my life seemed to be on a course towards a very happy and fulfilling life.
Then COVID happened and everything changed.
Financially, it was devastating. Emotionally it was debilitating. Professionally, it was crippling.
No one knew what to do. Politicians, scientists, and people sitting on a couch in their mom’s basement were all telling me what I needed to do and it was impossible to tell who was telling the truth. Misinformation was everywhere, the truth was also everywhere, telling the difference became difficult.
Over the past year, I watched friends turn reclusive, people started to gain “COVID weight”, some worked out and got into better shape, many lost their jobs, clubs closed, social media turned toxic (ok, it kinda was already…) and you could feel the stress everywhere.
Do we open up or lock back down? Should we open or close? Vaccinate or Anti-vax?
We rescheduled events, canceled others, and hoped that we would somehow get to the other side. Recently, I remember thinking to myself, “well, it looks like we have finally turned a corner and we are going to be back to normal soon”. Then the Delta variant started spreading.
Damn, I HATE this “THING”!
Over the past year, I decided to focus more on the direction I was going to meditate more and accept our new reality and I tried not to suffer as much as I had been. This took a lot of conscious effort, but I soon realized that self-imposed stress was not helping anything.” It is what it is” only went so far. Constantly worrying about what might happen or what has happened was not going to change my future and it certainly cannot change my present. My now.
I started eating better and working out. I walked more, swam more, did yoga, and started a workout regimen. I was feeling better, both physically and mentally.
Even though I felt better, I still had some issues. I was strong, but I am still human. I was calm, but there was still anxiety just under the surface. I decided it was time to reach out for help, but I didn’t know where to turn. I was living in a remote part of a foreign country, I certainly wouldn’t find a therapist here.
I looked online, but it is hard to find therapists that will do remote counseling, and then add to the mix that I am a bisexual, polyamorous, man living in a non-monogamous marriage, and the number of therapists that I thought could give me advice would be next to impossible to find.
Not true.
Covid has done a lot of things, it has shown us that many of us can work from home, that we can go to school remotely, that traveling and ordering food will change forever. It also helped popularize online therapy. This was something I decided to look into and I was surprised at the number of quality options out there for people that need help, even if they don’t fit the “normal” checkboxes.
After some research, we settled on BetterHelp.com. Tess and I both signed up for individual accounts and we answered some questions and checked the boxes for what we were looking for. Luckily, there are plenty of therapists that are LGBT friendly within this system and we both found therapists to start working with that did not judge us, nor our “lifestyle.”
We each have different issues and our brains work very differently, so it was important to have our own therapists that we can talk to about our individual issues and we can get advice tailored to each of our personal situations.
I was always too stubborn to ask anyone for help. I sat by and watched others with obvious mental health issues and thought to myself “I’m not like them”, therefore, I didn’t think I needed help either. COVID changed that perception in me. I realized that the stress from last year was affecting me, my relationship with my wife of 37 years, my friends, and my family.
I only wish a couple of friends of mine had found a service like this before resorting to the ultimate cry for help… suicide. Could this have helped them? I’ll never know, but I am hoping that this blog might reach one person who is suffering and will point them in the direction where they can get help.
It’s easier than ever now to find a therapist and it’s a lot more affordable. We just signed up, we pay a weekly fee and we get live, video therapy sessions once a week. We can text or email our therapists as much as we want and they reply pretty quickly with advice.
A friend of mine looked at BetterHelp.com but she was looking for a therapist that could prescribe meds and one that took her insurance. She ended up going with Lifestance after reviewing many of the online psychiatry and therapy services across the US (and they took her insurance!).
Other popular online therapy services are Cerebral and Talkspace. For couples counseling, BetterHelp.com has a sister product, specifically for relationship building called ReGain. It is very similar to the other online options, but you sign up as a couple instead of as individuals.
Another interesting option for those that are non-monogamous, Kinky, or Poly is A Touch of Flavor. This counseling is for people in non-monogamous relationships that want to reconnect with their partners, navigate conflict, and overcome jealousy and resentment.
The good news is that with the right tools even a relationship that seems hopeless can be transformed into something extraordinary. The bad news is that when you’re polyamorous, or kinky, or just don’t fit into the box society wants to shove you in, good advice is hard to come by.
No matter where you decide to get help, building a better relationship, learning how to communicate better with your partner, and learning more about yourself will certainly benefit even those who have strong relationships. We can always learn more about ourselves and we can all strive to have a better relationship.
We have been working on communication tools and ways to more effectively communicate, especially during stressful times, and it is helping.
It’s especially hard when your partner is upset, making it hard to listen to what they are actually saying. Here are some tips my therapist gave me for communicating with your partner when things are stressful:
10 Tips for Coping with Your Partner When They’re Upset
While it is vital to a happy relationship that you support your partner through their pain (whether directed at you or someone else), it can be hard to listen.
The following tips can help you be there without being overwhelmed (or flooded):
Step 1 - Acknowledge the difficulty.
Make it clear to your partner that you are keen to work through the upsetting issue, but handling their negative emotions is proving difficult.
Step 2 - Find techniques to self-soothe.
If you feel flooded when you listen to your partner, you most likely need to end the discussion now. Otherwise, there is a risk you will either explode or shut down.
You may need to take yourself off and calm yourself. Perhaps focus on controlled breathing or a mindfulness exercise. Taking such a break can be essential to avoid escalating the situation.
Step 3 - Remind yourself that your goal is to understand.
Listen, and hear what is being said. Do not attempt to solve the problem or minimize their feelings.
Step 4 - Explore the problem Use open-ended questions and exploratory statements to show support while gaining a complete understanding.
For example:
What are your concerns?
What is your worst-case scenario?
Tell me how you are feeling.
We have lots of time, go on.
Step 5 - Avoid "Why?" Asking 'Why?" will take you down the problem-solving route - avoid it.
Instead of "Why do you think that?" ask "Help me understand what you are feeling."
Step 6 - Show you are there for them.
Witnessing another person's distress can often be as simple as letting them know you understand their feelings and why they feel that way.
Step 7 - Use your partner's language.
Try and use your partner's language. For example, if they are talking in metaphors, use the same or similar ones.
Step 8 - Avoid trying to cheer them up.
While it is tempting to try and remove the pain with levity or humor most often your partner is looking for you to be there and listen.
Step 9 - Do not suggest they 'calm down.”
Following on from point 8. Your partner feels justified in their annoyance; they want you to listen and not be told to calm down. For similar reasons, phrases such as "don't be silly" are more likely to escalate the situation.
Step 10 - Understand what is missing.
Upset is often based on loss. Ask where the sadness (or other emotion) is coming from, or whether they feel they have lost something.
This was helpful for me because I am a problem solver and a “rescuer.” I have learned that sometimes, it is better to simply listen and really hear what they are saying rather than trying to solve their problems or cheer them up.
My therapist gave me Daily affirmations to read and I want to end this blog by sharing them with you. I try to read these each morning before I get started and it reminds me, in a positive way, that I can have a great day. It is my choice.
I hope you will find your peace and the help you need during these stressful days.
Morning Affirmations
I wake up today feeling strong, confident, and empowered.
As the sun rises, so does my energy.
I approach this day with joy and excitement.
Today is a gift, and I embrace it with positivity.
I'm so incredibly grateful for a fresh start and a brand new week.
I am ready and willing to receive all of the miracles and magic coming my way.
I courageously walk through every door of opportunity.
I am capable and equipped to handle anything that comes my way today.
I am equipped with all the tools I need to succeed.
I follow my intuition and know that nothing is put before me that I can't handle.
I am confident, courageous, and thriving.
I radiate pure love, light, and positivity.
I am a powerful force for good in this world.
As I move through this day, I pledge to spread my light wherever I go.
Today, I choose faith over doubt and courage over fear.
I inhale positive energy and exhale my fears.
I love and accept myself for exactly the person I am right now.
I feel good about the path I'm on and the life I'm creating for myself.This week, I pledge to live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
I embrace the fresh starts and new beginnings that Monday offers.
Today is filled with new opportunities and experiences, and I open my heart to receive them all.
Today is a magical gift, and I pledge to be present and live fully in each moment.
This day is filled with limitless potential. (And so am I!)
I have everything I need within me to create a beautiful day.
I release all fear and welcome new beginnings.
I trust that everything is always working out for my highest good.
I am always headed in the right direction.
Good things are happening all around me.
I believe in myself, my talents, and my abilities.
I have the power to change my story.
No matter what happens, I will offer my best self today.
I make the best and most of everything that comes my way.
I choose to seek the good in every situation.
Every experience I have today perfectly supports my growth.
Everything I do today leads me to a better tomorrow.
Every little step I take makes a big difference.
I am extraordinarily capable of achieving everything I dream of and more.
Today is an opportunity for a fresh start and a new beginning.
Where focus goes, energy flows, so I focus on peace, success, and positivity.
This day is filled with immense, boundless treasures for me to explore.
My mind is free of resistance and open to all possibilities.
I am tuned into passion, positivity, and prosperity.
I feel peaceful and relaxed knowing I am exactly where I am meant to be.
I am a kind, loving, powerful force in the world.
I choose to be happy right now.
Today is a miracle.
Today is a really good day.
Today might not be perfect, but it will be beautiful.
Today is my day.
This day belongs to me.
I hope you have an amazing day and I hope to see you at one of our upcoming events, where we will be adding more classes about relationship building, mindfulness, and better communication at our future Naughty Events.
Bob (& Tess)
*Disclaimer: We are members of BetterHelp.com and if you click any of the links in this article for that service, you will get a free week trial and we will also get one free week. This article is not an attempt to gain free weeks, but we wanted to be transparent that there are perks when people try this service, using our links.
Our goal is to bring mental health awareness to our community and to offer advice and solutions we have personally tried and recommend.
