ANGER AND COMMUNICATION

Anger is an emotion we rarely talk about in a healthy way. Instead we suppress it or label it "bad." The difficult times that COVID-19 have brought us, have surely tested our patience, our mood and our faith in humanity. Now that a lot of us have been home for the past few months, possibly with our partners, children or other house mates. Tempers rise, we get nervous, we feel hopeless and uncertain, and sometimes it really shows. 

One could argue that we are all being tested right now. We may never return to normal again, things may be forever changed and we really don't have any control over that. This type of stress can cause arguments, bickering, stone-walling and cold feelings between you and your partner(s), family, friends and colleagues. Most of the time what we really want, is to be heard. And we can't be heard unless we are properly communicating our thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and fears. 

We have to understand that disagreements in relationships are going to happen. That doesn't mean it's the end of things, or that you aren't good for each other or that you aren't cared for and loved. Disagreements can be reached with kindness, fairness and provide an opportunity to grow closer and gain a better understanding of each other. (And let's face it—make up sex is fantastic!) 

In her book "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love," author Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy breaks down healthy ways to achieve win-win conflicts and how to come to logical, fair resolutions between you and your partner.

"In a good clean fights, there is a respect for safety and mutuality so that both people get to fully express their feelings and come out the other end stronger and closer than before: bonded by fire as it were," says Hardy. 

If there's one thing that we took away from Hardy's teachings, is that communication is key. She states, "Good communication is based on identifying our feelings, expressing them, and getting validation that our partner hears and understands what we are saying, whether or not they agree."

In addition to good communication, here's a few other ideas on "fighting fair" that we found useful: 

Anger is just an emotion 
While you should always communicate with your partner about how you are feeling and why, you should also remember that anger is a secondary emotion. You are feeling anger because your are actually scared, rejected, humiliated, frustrated or hurt. Once you can figure out the root of your anger and ask yourself "Why am I really feeling this way," then you can have an open and truthful conversation with your person. Remember that you are in control of your emotions and also in control of the actions you take when dealing with these emotions. 

I Messages 
"I feel," "I think,"—these are statements that allow you to take responsibility in your own feelings. "There's an enormous difference between 'you are making me feel so bad' and 'I feel so bad," says Hardy. When you use I messages you aren’t placing the blame on any one and your partner will less attacked and more willing to work with you on the issue. 

Listen 
In order to have a fair argument, you must let the other person talk without you speaking over or interrupting them. While in conflict, Hardy recommends "When it's your turn to listen to how your lover feels, put yourself in listening mode. Remember, feelings like to be heard and validated, so don't analyze or try to explain things. Just listen, and you may be surprised to hear something you didn't know." 

Take time-outs
Do you ever catch yourself and your partner just going in circles and bringing up the same points over and over again? That's when you need to take a time-out. Get away from each other for a few minutes, go do something that brings you happiness (listen to music, cook, exercise, build puzzles etc), and cool down for a moment. Hardy even suggests having a safe word to call time-out—go for something kind of silly or fun to diffuse the anger. "Make an agreement to honor a time-out with silence. Trying to get in one more thought is likely to trigger another adrenaline release and prolong the problem. 

Please note that if at any time, for any reason, arguments become violent or abusive in any way whatsoever, we urge you to take more severe action and find help. Not one deserves that and no amount of strategy can fix it. If you are being abused in your relationship, please do everything you can to get yourself away from the situation and reach out for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource in case you or someone you know is going through this. 

Check out our other blog: Dealing with Uncertainty for ways to cope when everything is so unclear and you feel that you have no control.