I'm not a swinger but the people I screw are
Growing up very conservatively, sex was a forbidden topic. It was as if the mere mention of it would disrupt the delicate balance of my upbringing. However, as I stepped into high school and college, I yearned for something beyond the confines of my sheltered past.
With trepidation and curiosity, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I found myself a little out of my depths and drowning in a “fuck-it” phase where I dove deep into hook-up culture. During that phase, I learned a lot about what I liked and didn’t. I found myself in kink spaces, all sorts of non-monogamy spaces, and spaces where I explored the fluidity of sexuality. But all of the explorations had me a bit confused. I didn’t know how to self-describe or identify.
Identity is a funny concept, one that is huge in my generation. From building a “personal brand” to identity politics, the way to attach labels to oneself comes from all angles. “I identify as” has become a buzz phrase. It’s attached to all sorts of lived experiences, some more sincere than others. But the thing about identity attachment? I find it severely limiting. I worry that if I don’t fit exactly into the definition, I don’t quite belong. I have imposter syndrome, something only I can confirm.
The push to pick a label and build yourself around it is irresistible. So, finding the right ones for me often takes a bit of work. There are just so many out there. I love love. I love that I’m loved by two amazing people and that my network of metas (my partners’ partners) are my best friends. So, am I polyamorous? Do I do “kitchen-table” or “garden-party” poly? Cue the decision paralysis!
Unfortunately, poly people often have a negative connotation in the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) community. I’m not a swinger, but often the people I fuck, are. I do very much enjoy swinging (soft/full swaps, threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes, yes, please!). I enjoy the freedom that comes with the ENM spaces like Naughty N’awlins and other places where I can be my sexy self.
In a world full of bears, I give off Big Goldilocks energy. ENM is just the right label for me. If I say I’m bi but currently am in relationships with men only, does that mean I’m not bi? Of course not. I’ve had serious relationships with women, I still like women, and I still enjoy sleeping with women. So bisexual is the right label for me. In kink spaces, plenty of labels fit “just right” for me.
The funny thing? While I’m not publicly “out” about being bi, my relationship status, or ENM in general, people have seen a noticeable difference in my confidence, personal growth, and coping skills. My identity tags don’t have to be for anyone else.
And so, armed with a deeper understanding of myself and my desires, I continue my journey of self-discovery, confident in my ability to embrace my true identity without the constraints of societal expectations. I find solace in the fact that my story is my own to write, and my labels are a reflection of my authentic self.
