Coming Out…
My grandchild came out yesterday to us and our entire family, as transgender. Born as a biological girl, she has decided to go by he/him pronouns and wants to change his name to one that is more associated with a male first name. Our grandchild is almost 11.
When she was 4, she told Tess that she wanted to be a boy. Tess told her she could be whomever she wanted and we looked at each other afterward and were amazed at how mature she was for a four-year-old.
At 6, she told Tess that she thought two twin girls were more beautiful than she thought possible and she couldn’t stop staring at them. Tess told her it was OK for her to think that they were beautiful because they were. Our grandchild was relieved to know that it was OK to think other little girls were beautiful.
She later told us that she was a “tomboy” before texting us yesterday telling us that she has figured out that she is trans. We immediately replied that we supported him (we are now using he/him for his pronoun) in all of his decisions and we will always support and love him unconditionally.
This made me think back to when I was 11 years old, it was a very different time and I cannot imagine what would happen if someone came out as a trans person at 11 back in 1976 (the year I turned 11). I am glad that today’s children have more information, more support, and more options today than I did in 1976.
The world is a better place today. While there is certainly still a long way to go, and he will definitely have to deal with mean kids, bullies, and people that will push back against him as he goes on his personal journey of self-discovery.
It made me proud to know that he has the strength, at such an early age, to stand up and declare his own sexuality and how difficult it must be for him right now.
It was my reflection on this moment that inspired me to write this blog and finally come out myself. I am a bisexual man, living in an open relationship with my wife, who has been with me now for 37 years.
Until this moment, I had not told anyone, but Tess, that I am bisexual. In fact, it wasn’t until last month that I even told Tess. I don’t know why I waited so long, I mean, I know no one is going to judge me. If they do, they are not anyone that I would consider a friend or care about their opinion. This is who I am, it is not a decision I just made, it is a secret I have kept for many years.
During the past few months, I have learned a lot about myself and why I got into a non-monogamous relationship in the first place. Now I understand why I created the “Dark Room” and “bi Sexual” themed rooms at our events. I wanted to create a safe space for everyone to enjoy and expand their own sexuality without judgment. I created these rooms for myself.
Ours was one of the first big “swinger events” that had a dungeon. One of the first to implement Tantra training and a Tantra playroom. I created these spaces to give a more diverse opportunity for those looking to explore past simple non-monogamy. I also created these spaces for myself.
Over the years, I met and talked to many leaders in this “lifestyle” that told me they were bisexual. Every time (every single time) I wanted to say “me too!”, but I never did. One of these leaders, someone who became one of my best friends, was very open about his bisexuality and I remember thinking about how brave he was and I admired him so much (I still do).
I asked him to write about being a bisexual male in the lifestyle for our convention program. I asked him, and others to host bisexual meet & greets at our events so others would feel able to “come out” or to at least meet others and ask questions. I asked him to do it with the hope that I would go and I would eventually come out as well. I never did… until today.
Maybe it was years in the military. Years of playing sports. Years of hearing guys being guys, making jokes about being gay or bisexual. I honestly do not know why I waited so long, and I’m now embarrassed that I waited so long.
It took my brave little grandchild to show me the way. I guess you can teach an old dog something new, I just had to look into the soul of an (almost) 11-year-old to see that I didn’t need to fear what anyone else would say. I could just be me. And that is a bisexual man.
Over the years, I tried hard to make our cruises and events a safe place for anyone that wanted to be openly bisexual. I tried to create rooms, seminars, meet & greets articles, and rules that would assure that no one would be judged or harassed because of their sexuality.
I am proud of the work that I have done to create progress in a lifestyle that has been traditionally open to bisexual women but not men. I think I have made a difference, but today I hope to make an even bigger difference by standing up and being open about who I am.
From now on, I can go to my own seminars, I can go to my own bisexual playrooms, I can do more by being me. I owe it to myself to be true to myself and I owe it to my grandchild to stand with him as we both go on our own personal journeys.
So this blog is a thank you to him for being so strong and for being so brave. It only took me 55 years to find the strength of an (almost) 11-year-old. I finally feel strong and I finally feel free.
Bob (a bisexual man)
p.s.- if you are having a similar struggle, feel free to reach out to me, and let’s support each other. I can always be reached at mailto:Bob@Naughty-Events.com?subject=Coming Out
